Something that I think is becoming more and more present to me as I continue to live my daily life is my continued fear of being ignored, or failing myself or others in some way. Whether I am talking about something small and insignificant in the scheme of life, like winning a competition between friends or preforming well at certain tasks or abilities, or large, like failing to provide for those who need me and letting down those who are closest to me. I think I have come to realize that my own fear of failing has become something that will both drive me to continue to prove the people who have always tried to discourage me and keep me from reaching the goals that I have set out for myself (no matter how crazy or insane that they sound at the time). Yet at the same time I fear that this same fear of failure will in the end bring me to ruin, in both my own sanity and the relationships that I surround myself with.
Perhaps this is an insane thought, that of course I cannot fear failure to the point where it drives me straight to the point of which I spend my time fearing, yet these things seem to be happening daily in my own life. I constantly do things to gain the favour of those around me and I bend backwards to prove people wrong when they say I cannot so something, going to extremes of working myself to the point of almost mental breakdowns and physical problems of lack of sleep or over exertion.
On the other hand maybe these are things made up in my own head, maybe I am just telling myself these things and that truly I am not proving anyone anything and all of these crazy things that I do are for my own sake of sanity. However if that is true, should I not be able to just simply tell myself that I have accomplished the best that I can and say that “haters are gunna hate” and continue on with my life.
This sadly however is not how I work, I think that I secretly (and I suppose not that secret any more) look and demand that those who I have set out to prove wrong learn of there own misconception of me and give me praise for reaching something that they did not think that I ever could reach.
It is this exact behaviour that I fear will be the demise of me in the end (if I can be so over dramatic as to use such a over used phrase). However this is exactly the things that I fear on a daily basis, that my own desire to be looked upon as someone who is important, or someone who has the ability to succeed that I will in the end up failing for that.
And then again, this can all be just stupid self-indulgence and I should realize that no one really pays attention to anything that I do and these people who do put down my dreams do not do so to get at me but they simply are stating the truth and that it is just something that I need to come terms with. I need to come to terms that I am not going to be the person who is going to prove everyone wrong, I am not going to be recognized in my life and that this fear of failure is completely irrelevant because I have nothing to fail because everything I do has no real importance because no one is paying attention.
I know that this is just taking the other far extreme, obviously at least one person in this world pays attention to what I do and so I always have the ability to fail at least that one person, but the problem is I don’t want to just prove myself to one person, but to the majority, I want to be a winner, someone that people look up to. And this is something that I feel is not within my grasp and so I work myself to make it within that reach of my grasping attempts.
I will leave this here, I will leave it at thinking that maybe the fear of failure that I work so hard to get ride of may bring me to failure in the end, or that this fear is completely invalid because in the end I have no one to even let down or fail in the end except myself. As we I also remember that this could all be my own self-indulgent and selfish nature trying to show myself and others that they are missing something when they pass me by or take my ideas and put them down.
So to finally conclude, I have no idea where the real world stands on this, this is simply my own babble and it means nothing in the end, however I do not feel as if I am the only one in the world who goes through this problem. This is both a welcomed companion but at the same time it makes me fear that there are others out there who are just as crazy as I am and that I need to make sure that I am not the one in that group who ends up failing in the end.