The fear of failure

Something that I think is becoming more and more present to me as I continue to live my daily life is my continued fear of being ignored, or failing myself or others in some way. Whether I am talking about something small and insignificant in the scheme of life, like winning a competition between friends or preforming well at certain tasks or abilities, or large, like failing to provide for those who need me and letting down those who are closest to me. I think I have come to realize that my own fear of failing has become something that will both drive me to continue to prove the people who have always tried to discourage me and keep me from reaching the goals that I have set out for myself (no matter how crazy or insane that they sound at the time). Yet at the same time I fear that this same fear of failure will in the end bring me to ruin, in both my own sanity and the relationships that I surround myself with.

Perhaps this is an insane thought, that of course I cannot fear failure to the point where it drives me straight to the point of which I spend my time fearing, yet these things seem to be happening daily in my own life. I constantly do things to gain the favour of those around me and I bend backwards to prove people wrong when they say I cannot so something, going to extremes of working myself to the point of almost mental breakdowns and physical problems of lack of sleep or over exertion.

On the other hand maybe these are things made up in my own head, maybe I am just telling myself these things and that truly I am not proving anyone anything and all of these crazy things that I do are for my own sake of sanity. However if that is true, should I not be able to just simply tell myself that I have accomplished the best that I can and say that “haters are gunna hate” and continue on with my life.

This sadly however is not how I work, I think that I secretly (and I suppose not that secret any more) look and demand that those who I have set out to prove wrong learn of there own misconception of me and give me praise for reaching something that they did not think that I ever could reach.

It is this exact behaviour that I fear will be the demise of me in the end (if I can be so over dramatic as to use such a over used phrase). However this is exactly the things that I fear on a daily basis, that my own desire to be looked upon as someone who is important, or someone who has the ability to succeed that I will in the end up failing for that.

And then again, this can all be just stupid self-indulgence and I should realize that no one really pays attention to anything that I do and these people who do put down my dreams do not do so to get at me but they simply are stating the truth and that it is just something that I need to come terms with. I need to come to terms that I am not going to be the person who is going to prove everyone wrong, I am not going to be recognized in my life and that this fear of failure is completely irrelevant because I have nothing to fail because everything I do has no real importance because no one is paying attention.

I know that this is just taking the other far extreme, obviously at least one person in this world pays attention to what I do and so I always have the ability to fail at least that one person, but the problem is I don’t want to just prove myself to one person, but to the majority, I want to be a winner, someone that people look up to. And this is something that I feel is not within my grasp and so I work myself to make it within that reach of my grasping attempts.

I will leave this here, I will leave it at thinking that maybe the fear of failure that I work so hard to get ride of may bring me to failure in the end, or that this fear is completely invalid because in the end I have no one to even let down or fail in the end except myself. As we I also remember that this could all be my own self-indulgent and selfish nature trying to show myself and others that they are missing something when they pass me by or take my ideas and put them down.

So to finally conclude, I have no idea where the real world stands on this, this is simply my own babble and it means nothing in the end, however I do not feel as if I am the only one in the world who goes through this problem. This is both a welcomed companion but at the same time it makes me fear that there are others out there who are just as crazy as I am and that I need to make sure that I am not the one in that group who ends up failing in the end.

Society

2AM wisdom, attain attention, babble, disappointment, failure, fear, popularity, problems, prove wrong, self-indulgence, selfishness, thoughts

November 8, 2012

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Blame The Government!

Don’t ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country

Blaming the government for our problems seems to be a pretty big thing that happens in the world today, I cannot go onto my Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr accounts and scroll down my newsfeed, tweets, or dash without seeing people whine and complain about how terrible the government is!

Why do we find it necessaries to complain about this, we do not complain about the highways that we drive on, the free healthcare (for Canadians like me and soon Americans), being protected by our military, and getting free education. we take these things for granted, we expect them but yet it is the government who makes all of these things a possibility and the government that allows us to have all of them. We can complain about having to pay taxes (which to be honest unless you have a nice job, really is not that much) but if we did not pay taxes our country would fall and crumble. We can argue that the government limits our freedom by putting guidelines on drugs, alcohol, and smoking, but this is not like some parent who is watching out for their child, this is a nation trying to make sure that their population is not filled with teenagers dropping out of school and becoming unproductive pieces to society.

Why is it that we expect so much from our government and yet we never want to give in return, we never want to have to pay for the freedoms that we do have and we continue to fight over the things that are minuscule and unimportant? I think we should all listen to the words of John F. Kennedy and “Don’t ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” I think that when we realise that we should not be complaining about the freedoms that we do not have but take responsibility and try our best to make the most of our country that we can and help it stride and grow to be the best it can be, that is when we will realise that our government is not a punching bag. It is not something that we should be taking for granted and without governments we would either still all be living under a empirical rule of King or Queen, or have dictators ruling over us. To everyone who complains about having the government I have this to say, would you rather have some freedoms and have to pay a little for them, or no freedoms and have to pay a lot for them?

Governement, Society

complain, dictatorship, freedom, Government, John. F. Kennedy, society, taxes

July 9, 2012

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A Nation of Firsts!

Anyone who has been on YouTube over the past couple of months, possibly pushing a year, would recognize the trend of people to yell out in the comment section “FIRST!” While most people would look at this trend and simply say that it is a bunch of losers with no lives just trolling on the internet, I think that it is much more and speaks about the society that we live in.

We tend to live in a society that makes a big deal about being the best, number 1! Who has the most Facebook friends, how many people follow you on Twitter and Tumblr, and how many people read each and every one of your blog posts. Life in our culture is a never ending competition to be at the top, recognized by hundreds and thousands of people. I simply believe that with how children are being raised this trend is just leaping from real world, into the social media realm.

Take for example school. School is a place where we group together kids of the same age and then publically grade them. We tell children if they are on the top, if they are the smartest, the most athletic, and the best looking that is how you strive and succeed in the world. But what happens to those kids who are not the smartest, most athletic, or good looking (in North American standards) where do they go? The internet.

The internet is their escape, where they can go to be cared for and to voice their opinions because no one can see who they are, no one knows how attractive they are, how athletic or smart they are. All the people on the internet know of this person is what is shared on the internet. So kids who have been rejected in life go to the internet as a safe haven, as a place to go and be accepted, a place where they can be “FIRST!”

And so the trend has started, people fighting to be the first to comment, the first to like or watch a video on the internet. The new generation of children are craving for attention and when they realize that they cannot get it in the “real” world they turn to the internet as the source of acceptance.

I admit that I have found myself in that place many times, wishing that more and more people would read my blog. Wishing that I had hundreds of twitter followers and that when I updated my Facebook status I would get more likes than anyone else. But I have realized that this is just a self-indulgent nature of humanity getting the best of me and if society continues to teach children that this self-indulged nature is right and okay, the more that this will happen and the more that kids will turn to the internet, to be self-indulged and the society of “FIRST!” will continue to rage on.

I do not have any amazing Ideas about how to change this, I think it is a huge society change that would have to happen, and frankly I do not think it will ever happen. it will never end, we will continue to live in a society that is self-indulged but what we can do is make sure that we aren’t. Put ourselves behind others, and try to change the world by saying “FIRST!” one less time, or not worrying about how many people listen to us, but instead how many people we listen to!

 

Society

social-media, society, technology

May 28, 2012

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The ‘Melo Problem!

It is no secret that Carmelo Anthony is a star basketball player who demands the ball. He has the ability to change the outcome of any game he plays in and is a threat whenever he is on the court. But there is a problem in New York, a problem I call the “the ‘Melo Problem”. Carmelo went to New York to try and turn it into a winning franchise, that would bring him the NBA title that he has always wanted, but the problems that he suffered in Denver has seemed to follow Carmelo all the way to the Big Apple. This leads me to believe that the problem is Denver was not that of a poor team (Denver has lead the NBA without Carmelo as being the best scoring NBA team) or bad coach (George Karl is a Hall of Fame worthy coach) but instead it was Carmelo himself. When all the Linsanity happened, Carmelo was out with an injury and people thought that the already bad Knicks were going to fall down even more, but the opposite happened. The Knicks played better, they moved the ball more and defence became a lot stronger (granted Amare Stoudamire was also off the court so thats two bad defenders on the bench). What happened as Linsanity started to end, due to his injury, was Carmelo came back. The Knicks with Carmelo on the floor became slower, the ball moved a lot less and the defence took a turn for the worst. I am even willing to say that if it was not for the Carmelo injury and rise of Jeremy Lin, New York would not have made the NBA Playoff’s, even as short as they were. So if any management in New York reads this, here is my advice for you! Get ride of Carmelo, he is a curse to the teams he plays for. He will never be on a championship team, because championship teams never contain stars that don’t play well with there team. The time for chance in New York is now and the first thing to go should be Carmelo, free up some money, try and bring in a guy like Dwight Howard when he becomes a free agent. Think of the deadly defence that New York would have in Dwight and Chandler were on the same team. Of course this is just my opinion and I am sure there are many New Yorkers who disagree, but what I have said seems to hold true in many circumstances.

Sports

amare stoudamire, Anthony, Basketball, Carmelo, carmelo anthony, Championship, Knicks, NBA, nba title, New, New York, Playoffs, sports, Trade, York

May 28, 2012

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Chernobyl Diaries Review

Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

Six tourists hire an extreme tour guide who takes them to the abandoned city Pripyat, the former home to the workers of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor. During their exploration, they soon discover they are not alone.

If you do not want to take the time and read my full review of this movie just go read the last paragraph as it will contain a summary of what I have to say. If on the other hand you want to read my possibly witty review of Chernobyl Diaries, continue to read.

In this review I will hit on three main topics sound, plot and cinematograph. Let’s start out with the easiest one of them all, sound. The soundtrack and overall sound of Chernobyl Diaries was nothing to complain about, perhaps if it was paired with some decent acting talent and good script they could have made a very well sounding movie. The actor’s ability to deliver a line was less than stellar and sounded very forced and robotic. No lines seemed to just flow off of the tongues of the actors and they seemed like they did not know what they were doing. The music though was very suitable for this movie, generic and nothing special. I was never on the edge of my seat, absolutely taken in by the soundtrack in this movie. Score wise I would give this a 6/10 because the sound had no flaws it was just sadly plagued with terrible acting and a horrible script.

The Plot in Chernobyl Diaries was almost non-existent. There never really seemed a reason for anything to happen, the script made the actor’s make decision that no one would really make in real life, and this was the movies downfall. The script had more plot holes in it then the amount of holes punched into all the Swiss cheese produced every year (okay it wasn’t that many, but there was a lot). Oren Peli, Carey Van Dyke, and Shane Van Dyke all really messed up terribly in the writing of this film. It took away from any reality that the movie may have had and turned it into a face palming experience for me, the watcher. When I go to the movies, especially a horror movie, I expect some stupid decisions, but Chernobyl Diaries was just one stupid decision after another. Due to the pointless plot, terrible writing, and crazy amount of plot holes I give Chernobyl Diaries a 2/10 in the plot section.

Chernobyl Diaries was filmed in what seemed to be like a 1^st person holding the camera style (think Paranormal Activity) except that it wasn’t one of the characters holding the camera, it was just someone following them. It made it very confusing for me and caused the movie to be shaky at times when there was no reason for it to be like that. I think that it really took away from the movie, but then again maybe it made sure that the horrible acting was not seen in its full form. I think that Bradley Parker could have done a better job at directing the movie and used this camera style to his advantage, but he ended up killing the experience of the movie for me. The cinematography gets 6/10.

So for all the people who decided to skip my main body this is the summary of it. Chernobyl Diaries is filled with plot holes, has terrible acting and the script seemed forced. The style the movie was filled in hurt the movie more than it added to it and so I gave it these marks out of 10 in the three categories.

Sound 6/10

Plot 2/10

Cinematography 6/10

Overall 4.7/10

movies

Chernobyl Diaries, Review

May 28, 2012

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Trying to start up again

So my summer so far has consisted of working close to 40 hour weeks, the rain has really impeded this so far, and going to movie’s and just sitting around doing nothing. And so I thought maybe instead of spending my weekends doing absolutely nothing, I should do something a bit more productive with my life, and so I think I will start again on this blog. I will probably start by writing about the last few movie’s that I have watched, and giving a very critical review… hahaha I am kidding they most likely will just be non-directive rants. I hope to have my first of many posts up this weekend and continue on for the next weeks to follow.

Quick Writings

lazy, movies, productivity, starting up again, summer, work

May 27, 2012

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Fear of Death… or Per Se Lack of Fear

Over a long time of thinking and pondering I have come to a conclusion on my fear, or lack of fear, of death.
Death in itself is not something I fear. If I was to die today or tomorrow I would say that there is not much in life that I really regret deeply. If there is something about death that I fear it is probably just the pain that may occur while I am dying, both physical pain to myself and emotional pain of leaving behind the few people who love me.
My biggest fear of death is the uncertainty of what lies beyond it. Religions preach of after lives, Modernism preaches of nothingness, and really to be honest both of these things strike fear inside of me.
In the religious side, what If the religion that I choose to devote my life to ends up being the wrong religion… And everything that I have suffered on earth only leads me to a painful and crappy after life… No one can tell me with certainty that they know 100% what religion is the right religion, because no one has died and come back to life and told me what is the truth.
And on the exact opposite side of this is the lack of an after life, just the ending of everything I am, my demise… This just strikes fear into me, I have so much riding on the short time on earth that I have to make a difference. And it really kills all reasons for me to really want to live, cause in the end there is no way that I really leave any difference in the world.

But my biggest fear of death and what lies beyond it is that in the end I will have to face death head on, alone, because no one can take the plunge from this life to whatever lies beyond it for me… It is the human condition that we die alone into an uncertainty and that is what I am afraid of.

Society

afterlife, death, demise, fears, regrets, religion, uncertainty

February 20, 2012

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